[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
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Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.