7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
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If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who