“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
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DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Personal question. #JustSaying
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Seems legit
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.