According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
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[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.