My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
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Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat