Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
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what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
it’s the silliest best thing
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.