Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
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i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.