My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
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Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.