Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
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My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Well, this is awkward
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…