Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
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ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”