The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
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I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands