I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
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Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
hey, alexa
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use