In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
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When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games