*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
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her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
They did not miss in the small print
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what