Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*