Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
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Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
My support group can outdrink your support group.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy