*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
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Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Canada has crack?
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017