Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
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I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
The A string on my guit_r is flat
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
inside you are two wolves
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow