Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
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HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.