guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
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I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Breaking news:
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.