Lassie, get help!
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Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
is this a warning or an offer?
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing