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It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.