I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
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Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.