Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
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I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
*offers Batman cough drops*
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this