My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
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I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
twitter is a journey
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.