Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
You Might Also Like
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
⛄️
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.