It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
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Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Basically.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Inside you there are two wolves
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*