been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
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Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.