[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
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Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture