handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
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What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
This is my bus stop.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight