#titanic
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The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
Gemma Correll
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”