person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
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The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.