Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
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My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
how to exercise your calf muscles
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I hate everything
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*