Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
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ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.