*names my little horse OneTrick*
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My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.