Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
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Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move