Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
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I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.