they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
You Might Also Like
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Story of my life…..
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
this is uni
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t