*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
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People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
craving $300 all of a sudden
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*