I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
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My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.