If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
You Might Also Like
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
💁🏻♂️
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.