*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
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Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
Ape together strong
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
The internet is full of many things
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Husband of the year 😂
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
#catsoftwitter
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.