Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
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Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.