Pot warmers of the day.
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me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*