(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
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[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
multitasking lunch
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Lmao 🤣
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
That time Alicia messaged me
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.