an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
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I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I…do not understand how electricity works.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!