rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
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Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Jurassic park gets weird
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”