cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
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How does one answer this?
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
New mindset, who dis?
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
I told my vodka about you.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Every damn time
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.