[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
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My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!