subtitles are so good nowadays
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my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
Check your privilege
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.